29 Apr My Jesus Story
I have been a “Christian” since I was a little girl I believed in Jesus the moment I first heard about Him. I believed the stories were true and was amazed at the Love of God displayed by the crucifixion of Christ. Then I got older and fell into a deep pit of darkness. I was hopeless. I was a slave to drugs, crime, sex, money, and violence. I would find myself in and out of jail awaiting anxiously prison or death. I knew in my heart that my fate would be to die young on the street, or serve a life sentence because of the lifestyle I was a slave to. I saw no other options, no hope, no choice, I was a victim of circumstance and life had dealt me a losing hand.
I would sit in the darkest part of the jail known as 3 south (the hole) and I would cry out to God. The only book you are allowed to have down there is the Bible, so I would read and read and read for hours, upon days, upon months. I cannot describe in any amount of words the grace God would lavish upon me. He began to show up in power and glory and reveal Himself to me! I was so excited about what I was learning, I would share it with everyone who would listen, guards, other inmates, and my family. In the midst of my darkness, I saw for the first time in a long time a ray of hope. Then a friend of mine told me to kite (message) the Chaplin (who I now know as my Mother in Christ). She would meet with me and pray for me, she would share real life stories of the Power of the Gospel at work in her life, and she would encourage me to surrender all to Jesus, and trust Him with all that I am. She told me of visions the Lord had given her of my life, she shared with me things she could not have known apart from God Himself telling her.
In 2007, a day I will never forget, she came to see me and I was completely broken and distraught, I felt like I was unworthy of forgiveness and grace. I was terrified and felt that I was surely on my way to Hell. God had revealed Himself to me through His Word as Perfect, Blameless and Holy, and I knew also as I measured myself to His Word I was His enemy. I knew everything I was and everything I did was worthy of Hell and separation from Him. This reality was contrary to what the Chaplin knew of who God said I was, however she knew what I was experiencing was conviction. So instead of arguing with me she stood up in authority and threw her hands in the air and prayed. At that moment something supernatural happened, I was completely immersed in a Holy Light brighter than a thousand suns, the Light felt like liquid Love. LOVE that cannot be verbally expressed, Love like I never have ever experienced anywhere else in my life. My eyes were opened and my heart was new.
I would like to say I never looked back but the truth is I was still a slave to some things in my mind, I wrestled with surrender. “What does that even mean?” I thought to myself. “What does that even look like?” “How do I surrender!?” God was more real to me than ever and for the first time I really knew He loved me, and that He wanted ALL of me, and I knew that meant a total life change. But I had no idea how to live. So I tried to just do the best I could, but I still felt empty and all I wanted was to experience the Love I felt on that day in 2007.
Years had passed and the void just got deeper. Then on February 1, 2011 the LORD awakened me to a Truth that shook me to the core, the problem was I was living for myself, trying to live a good life was not enough. I needed to “deny myself and take up my cross and carry it” (Luke 9:23-29). So I did, it was not at all easy, but I left it ALL behind, and laid down my life to lose it, and in losing it I GAINED EVERYTHING. I left my fiancé, my home, my friends, and life as I knew it, no more compromise, no more fear of what people may think and I was filled once again with His Spirit, His Love, His Hope, His Peace and Jesus gave me the power to overcome the darkness I thought would forever plague my life.
He gave me a new life! A Beautiful LIFE! An Eternal Life that nothing or no one can take from me! He gave me a promise that He will see me through!
And He said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul? Luke9:23-25
If then you have been raised with Christ, seek things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you will also appear with Him in glory. Colossians3:1-4